Yes, You do.
Yes and more.
May 1 2013, 4:47 AM by onepearl
A few months ago, fellow m-workers from China were in my neck of the woods. And I had the wonderful privelege of hosting them in my home. It sure was nice to be in a house with people to talk to, eat with, share together, and fellowship. Plus 4 little munchkins running around sure made it merrier. I loved seeing the families together and seeing more of how a team functions. It solidified even more in my heart the desire for a team. I realize more and more that I’m not made to be a lone ranger. And especially on the field, I need community.
Well, one of the last nights together, we had a time of worship and prayer. Like refreshing water to my soul, it was so lifegiving to sing praises and lift prayers with people.
I learned a new song that night…which is actually a very old song. But it ministered to me in such a special way..as deep cries out to deep.
And tonight, I find myself singing this to the Lord.
How much You care for me, in every way.
While sick, I was so weak. Physically, emotionally, and spiritually I felt depleted. It’s interesting how you feel physically can influence how you feel emotionally. Discouragement seems to follow weakness. But, the innerman tells you to not settle in that weakness…rather to sit next to Jesus in your weakness. I love how God wastes nothing. Sickness, pain, the years the locust has eaten away, nothing is wasted. And if anything, what I do know is that in weakness, He sure does tenderize you. This is good. Painful, but good.
Celebrating breakthrough before it even comes…
For the past 5 days, I’ve been really sick. I’m thankful for the Lord’s healing hand and for the recovery He’s bringing. Some kind of bacteria had infected me. Throughout my trips to Thailand and pretty much my first few months here, I had lots of sickness. From Swine Flu to Pneumonia, Bronchitis to Severe Sinus Infections, from Food Poisoning to Stomach Flu…it seems that my body does not do well in Thailand. Or it’s actually moreso that someone really doesn’t want me here to be strong, healthy, and thriving.
Being sick is hard but being alone while sick is harder. It’s in those times of utter weakness- physically, emotionally, mentally, spiritually…where one feels so hopeless. The temptation to just give up and go home is so real. It’s such an option. It’s so easy. I could easily pull out and go back home. I could be home with family. I could be comfortable. I could be surrounded by loved ones. I could be taken care of. I could be looked after. I could be loved on. The temptation is so strong. If I was home, I could easily get the right medicine without worrying about its contents. I could know where to go for medical help. I could know that my family would take care of me because they’re family. I could ask my sister to bring me water. I could ask my brother to buy gatorade. I could call out to my mom in the middle of the night and ask her to just sit next to me. I could ask my dad to buy medicine. So many options. So much ease.
Funny thing is that right before I got sick, a friend sent a video reminding me to not stop, to not give up. Those words just kept ringing in my mind of weakness.
The funnier thing is that I didn’t have to lie or hide my weakness from Jesus. But He just met me where I am. He is not dismayed or frustrated with my weakness. He shows compassion and mercy. He gives me grace. And more grace. and more.
How true it is that Jesus never fails me.
It’s been 3 weeks since being back in Thailand, but it feels like 3 months. Once I got back, I had to find new housing. It was challenging to move alone. After about 7 car trips back and forth, I finally moved in. I’m thankful for my place. It’s small, cozy, just perfect for me. I feel safe here, the commute is half the distance, and I just feel at more peace here. I live in a more developed area so I feel that there’s more of a community around me to get to know. Thanks, Jesus.
Being back in Thailand this time around is…better than before I left for my trip home to Korea/US. But, it’s still difficult. It’s been a daily surrender. Trusting Jesus that You have me here in Your perfect wisdom and timing. Trusting that I have purpose here. Trusting Your provision for all my needs here. I never thought that the mission field would be the most difficult place of surrender. Honestly, I thought it was before leaving that would be the hardest. The decision to go, saying goodbye to loved ones, leaving comfort, etc. Rather, it’s the decision to stay, being apart from loved ones, living in uncomfort. This is the hardest. I’ve been continually praying for courage. The conviction is there, I need the courage to remain committed.
Sometimes I question why this year has to be so painful. But deep in my heart, so deep that my mind cannot comprehend but so deep that my spirit knows full well: this pain is not wasted.
And so, I choose again to press forward. For the joy set before me. I choose to follow You. I choose Christ through all.
March 26 2013, 4:30 PM by onepearl
The past 7 months have been one of the most difficult seasons I’ve yet to endure. And I can’t say that I’m fully out of it. It’s been a dark period in the wilderness. I can’t articulate in a way that people will understand. But, I am thankful that He knows my suffering. He sees my suffering. He chooses to engage with me in my suffering. And He holds my suffering. Jesus carries my pain. He knows my heaviness. Thank You, Yeshua.
It’s been 7 months since I’ve left “home” for my new “home” in Thailand. It has been a long yet fast very hard yet faith-stretching journey thus far. I wish so badly that I could summarize it but I can’t. I wish so badly that I could share with people and they could understand me..but they can’t. All the more, I’m reminded that it’s only Jesus..only Jesus who can understand, who can comfort, who can encourage me to the deepest areas of my heart. It has been good to be back home..it has been very restful. At the same time, it’s been challenging as I feel so disconnected from loved ones…from home. Life here and life there is different. Being away from Thailand, it’s hit me even more of just how painful the 7 months have been. How I feel like a nomad. How I feel like a stranger. How I feel like a sojourner. There are so many thoughts filling my head. Much confusion, uncertainty
I feel His love.
The past few months have been a difficult season. In so many ways, it was so hard.
Yet, through it all, even when I may not have felt it..I’m forever grateful that His love for me was constant, steadfast, compassionate, full, true, and perfect.
I am thankful for the Gospel.
One of the things I least enjoyed when I taught…was lesson-planning. For many reasons more than not, it was just one of things I didn’t look forward to every Friday afternoon. I know they were beneficial and necessary. But I wonder if at times, lesson-planning, is more hindering than thrusting forward. It kept the class structured but I sure did enjoy those classes when my students took initiative and led the class. At the end of my life, I don’t want to be found faithful in planning but faithful in obedience. I want to be found faithful in loving my King.